After the first rescue

On Sunday as I sat in the waiting room of the ER I tried to guess at the personal story of everyone waiting with me.  I could feel the tension of a few folks that must have been waiting on the big guy that coded 3 times in the room across from Isaac.  There was the poor woman that need about 3 stitches on her finger.  I remember thinking her wound would be healed by the time she worked her way up the line of triage.

There were people with a mild cough, 3 ladies with a set of twins - one of which looked like he (she?) had pinkeye, and a vagrant looking for a bed and breakfast by way of a stomach pain that kept him moaning in the corner with one eye on the nurses station and the other eye on the T.V.

The saddest face was the one on a septuagenarian who jumped up eagerly to greet her obviously anorexic daughter.  She had sat there patiently for 3 hours, reading with the practiced nonchalance of a women accustomed to noisy waiting rooms.  What really killed me was her look of relief as she stood facing her ugly, angry, shriveled up 50 year old child.  Clearly they were walking a well worn path, clearly they had played these roles for years.  The mother trying to put her arm around a woman who chose hunger as her only friend.  The arm was brushed away, but that loving arm swung back again each time as they left the hospital.

It made me wonder: what happened after the first rescue?  Did mom resign herself to anguish or align herself with unshakeable hope?  How often did she get the call?  Did 911 have her on speed dial?  How do you love an imploding heart that turns inward and slowly sucks itself dry?

"This is the gospel",  I thought.  This is Christ's love for me extended, reaching even as I brush it away.  I grasp at everything but heaven and as I look down at my handfuls of earth I realize that I am only dust and my only hope is in a God who is always there, stretching out His hand.

"When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, Because the LORD is the One who holds his hand."  Ps. 37:24

I made this picture (notice I didn't say I drew it, lol) of my hand this week to put up in my bedroom as a reminder of my eternal grasping at things beyond my reach and God's eternal hand held out to catch me when I fall.

Passover

Do you celebrate Passover?  I've always celebrated Easter, but for some reason, this year I've wanted go a little deeper and explore the symbolism and imagery in Passover to help my children better  understand Easter. 

Why celebrate the Passover?  Because it is rich with symbols and pictures of what Christ did for us and why. When God chose to teach his people, he surrounded them with pictures, symbols, stories and promises that were a visual representation of what was to come. 

Hundreds of years of stories and pictures, and then:

... when the set time had fully come, 

God sent his Son, born of a woman, 

born under the law, Galatians 4:4

⁷ In Him we have redemption through His blood, 

the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace ⁸ 

which He made to abound toward us in all wisdom and prudence, 

⁹ having made known to us the mystery of His will, 

according to His good pleasure which He purposed in Himself,¹⁰ 

that in the dispensation of the fullness of the times 

He might gather together in one all things in Christ,

  Ephesians 1:7-10

                                    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

     I Gave You My Word

When you were young

   you looked into My face 

    and joyfully beheld My Grace 

But in time - as your grew,

  the World came by and tempted you.  

You sold My Grace 

 and bought a lie 

 and learned what it meant to die. 

I called to you in pictures, 

  in mountains drenched in dew. 

I called to you as history unfolded, 

  but you ignored that too.  

I sent you my prophets, 

  sent you water, fire, rain.  

I sent you promises of comfort 

 and helped to ease your pain.  

But a dancing world spoke to you too 

  and offered you goblets of guilt and dust

You grasped at that pleasure and clung to your rust 

 while I held My hand out to you.

And sin kept you spinning and crawling through time - 

  running from Me even though you were mine.  

And I loved you still, time after time, through pictures and poetry -

  line after line.  

But you shrugged your shoulders, 

  you thought it absurd.  

Until, 

  at the right time, 

               I gave you my Word.

 - jm 2012

 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. 

We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, 

who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. John 1:14

Micro muffin

A friend of mine shared this recipe and, I'll have to admit, I was sceptical.  I really thought it would end up tough and rubbery - but no!  It's quite tasty, and once I'm able to eat butter, I bet it will be even better.

Micro Muffins
1 1/2 cup almond flour
2 tsp baking powder
pinch salt
2T honey or sweetener of choice
1/4 cup lemon juice
1/4 cup melted butter / coconut oil
2 eggs

optional: cinnamon, vanilla, coco powder, cardamon

1.) combine all the dry ingredients,
2.) in a sepparate bowl, combine all wet ingredients and mix well
3.) Add them together
4.) Divide into 4 coffee cups
5.) Cook 1-2 min in microwave

serves 4.  I bet strawberry jam, cream cheese, whip cream, butter or even maple syrup would taste pretty good on this muffin.

tags: Paleo, Primal, Gaps, SCD, Grain Free, Gluten Free, Dairy free

Emergency Laundry Soap DIY

Ages ago, when Eliannah was still a baby, I made my own laundry soap and did my laundry at the laundrymat -all 15 loads a week in one 5-6 hr period with 2 toddlers and an infant.  If you wonder what hell is like ....  The recipe I had called for grating up bars of hard soap with a cheese grater and mixing it with some other things.  For some reason I don't have very rosey memories of home made laundry soap.

Here are the reasons I stopped:
It took too much time
It didn't work very well
You can't use it in HE machines (the kind we have now)
I could never easily find the ingredients


Today I made my own laundry soap and it took 3 min. vs. the 20 or so minutes it would take me to go to Walmart, avoid buying junk, wrangling a herd of toddlers that happen to grow extra arms every time I stray from the exact center of the aisle.

I happen to have all the ingredients at home, which made it super easy.  All it took was:

3 tablesppoons Super Washing Soda (I can't find this at a store anymore but everyday cheapskate says you can buy Soda Ash at a pool supply store and I just happened to have 3 T left in the box I had purchased last time I made the soap)
3 tablespoons borax
2 tablespoons blue Dawn  (this is the kind I use for dishes so I happened to have it hanging around the house anyway)

Fully instruction here

I've been using white vinegar instead of fabric softener for a while so maybe I'll save some money on laundry soap for awhile and see how that works.  I'd be real curious to know what other moms use for laundry soap alternatives.

DIY breakfast kit

Last night I set everything up so that the kids could make breakfast for themselves (I used the oven pancake recipe from my last post).  Too bad the first person up was Charissa - and she can't read yet.  I think I'll try this idea again though, the kids need to learn how to cook something other than eggs.  What basic recipes should I teach them?  I don't feel AS guilty asking them to cook if I have it all laid out ahead of time.

What's for breakfast on GAPS? *UPDATE

Since we've eliminated grains from our diet we've struggled with what to eat for breakfast.  Here are some of our family's favorites

Applemeal (just as filling as oatmeal)
1C apple sauce
1/4 c almond meal
1 T butter
vanilla and cinnamon to taste.

Heat and enjoy!  it ends up tasting like pie filling and is more filling than just eating apple sauce.

Soda biscuit
2 3/4 C almond flour
1/4 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 C dried fruit (optional - we don't add this)
2 eggs
2T apple cider vinegar
2T honey or more - to taste

Mix dry ingredients and wet ingredients separately (this is important!).  Add them all together in a mixer until combined.  Shape into biscuits and bake 20-30 min at 350 degrees.  If biscuits are too dry, add more honey.

*this recipe is adapted from  Elana's pantry

Oven Pancake
1/2 C butter ***** UPDATE this is too much butter!  try 1/4 C butter******
6 eggs
1 C yogurt or kefir or sour cream or cultured milk product of choice
1/4 C coconut flour
1/4 tsp. salt
vanilla or almond flavor (optional)
1 C fresh fruit (optional)

Pre-heat oven to 425 and while it is warming, place the stick of butter in your 9x13 pan.  Combine all other ingredients in a blender and dump in your pan (make sure all the butter is melted first.  Bake 25-30 min and serve with honey, maple syrup, fruit ,  or whatever else you may have on hand!

* this recipe is adapted from Loving your Guts


Other easy things that we eat are smoothies, apple slices and peanut butter, eggs, and pumpkin pie.

Almond meal can be found at Trader Joes, Smart and Final and natural food stores.  Coconut four can be found the in the health food aisle of some grocery stores and most natural food stores as well.  I buy mine at El Rancho Grande

And the winner is ... me!

Eliot is an interesting kid.  He doesn't like to be hugged, he hates it, but he always finds some excuse to approach me at bedtime and make sure he gets his hug - just like everyone else.  So I hug his stiff little body and try to make it brief.  He knows he is receiving my love as I squeeze him and he won't give it up even though it makes him uncomfortable.

Eliot hasn't ever been good at expressing himself either.  We always have to dig and ask and investigate to understand what his is thinking and why.  I sometimes "get" him, but usually he is a mystery to me and no matter how much he wants me to understand him there has always been a wall.

This year, we have done some of our language arts with a group of friends.  This has been hard for Eliot because he is the youngest and wants his writing to be just as good as the older kids' papers even though learning to read and write has been a struggle that he worked through at a different pace than his peers.  The good thing about our group is that everyone has been so encouraging that deep within the misspellings and disorganized sentences - he's found his voice.

For 9 years I've known and loved this boy and finally, Finally, I'm hearing him and understanding him a bit better because he's started to write.

First, it was stacks and stacks of post-its of things he was grateful for to put into our Thankfulness Jar, then, it was a notebook with some pictures of his favorite superheroes with labels and lists of their powers.  Lately we've been doing a poetry unit and I'm understanding better how he sees and processes his world.  I'm delighted by his perspective, his curiosity and his unusual and perceptive take on things.

When I started the list of things I love about my husband, Eliot got in on the action and couldn't stop.  He wrote about every other day something new that he loved about his dad.  Tonight he wrote that he loves his dad because "you make good decision" ( either that or "you make good bacon", his letter reversals and spelling make it hard to tell.) and "You are very wise". These are thoughts he hasn't, to my knowledge ever expressed to his dad and they are even more poignant because it is so difficult for him to write it out.

It's amazing what an unexpected blessing this process has been for me.  Being grateful always makes me more cheerful, more forgiving, more humble, (Phillip is always awesome, whether or not I choose to acknowledge it) but knowing that my private list became something for Zak and Eliot to participate in (apparently Charissa erased Zak's contributions) makes it even more special.  Knowing that you guys participated with me kept me going, so, thank you for joining me!  

It's late so it's time I let the random number generator tell me that Sherri has won!  Sherri, email me what nights are good and after my kids are over their colds I'd love to babysit for you and let you know what restaurant I bought that gift card for. Congratulations!

15 day challenge

I'm going to draw a name from the hat tonight to see who won the give away (if you live out of town I'll probably leave the restaurant choice up to you.)  Here's the list I came up with on my bathroom mirror.  See if you can guess which one Phillip added and which ones Eliot added


I love you because:

1-  you are kind
2-  you are cheerful
3-  you are my best friend
4-  you make me laugh
5-  you know what I'm going to say before I say it
6-  Daddy I love you because you work so late and hard *
7-  you are such a great father
8-  you have such a loving heart
9-  you help me *
10- your a great lyter (I think he meant leader)*
11- you help me understand my world and teach me to think critically about it
12- you encourage me to love sacrificially
13- you rescue me from disaster when I'm at my wit's end with the kids
14- you help me understand other people's perspective

If you did the challenge at home and didn't comment on the blog you still have a chance to participate by adding your comment and letting me know that you played along with me. Even if you didn't do it all 15 days I bet you could still surprise your husband with 15 things you are grateful for about him.  I would love to know what you wrote on your mirrors if it's not too personal!

* written by Eliot

I love you because ... a 15 day challenge

I don't know about anyone else but I feel sorry for my poor husband.  Every year I load up all my hopes and dreams and wake Valentines Day morning expecting the miraculous.   Somehow, even though my husband makes attempt after attempt it's never quite what I had hoped.  Obviously the problem lies with me.

When my kids were in an ungrateful frame of mind earlier this year we started the "Thankful box" and they wrote post-it after post-it of things they were thankful for.  It really helped their perspective even though nothing else in their life had changed.

On my mirror this morning I wrote:

"I love you because ... #1.) you are kind

Tomorrow morning I'll add one and keep adding one until I get to Feb. 14th. (I'll text him a picture of the mirror on the days he is out of town)

I'm pretty sure I can daily think of something but I always do better if I have someone to do it with!  Anyone else want to join me?  All you have to do is think of one nice thing to say about your husband each day and list it on your bedroom mirror.    Easy!

I'v never done a give away on my blog before but if you leave a comment with your name and your promise to do this I'll hold a drawing on Feb 14th and the winner gets a free night of babysitting (up to 8 kids) and a $50 gift card to one of my favorite restaurants.   This is not for locals only - I know that I have friends who vacation up here!

The GAPS protocol

This Jan. 1 our family (except Phillip) embarked on the hugest New Year's resolution any of us has ever attempted - to get rid of food allergies if at all possible.  We've been on a long journey with health problems as a reaction to wheat and then corn and then milk.  I came to a place where I realized that things were getting slowly worse and with my children's whole life ahead of them I couldn't stand to watch their eating choices shrink so I researched a diet, tried it out on myself for 3 months, tested some basic recipes on them and on Jan 1 we eliminated : Starches, Sugars, Grains and for the most part, even Dairy on the GAPS diet. Since then these are the results

Zak: clearer thinking, able to work on school with a little more focus and attention, huge difference in his ability to understand Math

Eliot: poor Eliot does not like our diet change and has lost 1 lb in protest, we're going to keep and eye on him to make sure this doesn't become a problem.  In other news he has suddenly become ... regular.

Eliannah: is pretty much on this diet because I don't want to cook her something different.  She likes it the best though because she already likes her meat and veggies.

Isaac: Here is where the biggest changes have occurred.  Our SUPER PICKY eater who skipped dinner after dinner after dinner, ate only cereal for breakfast and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch, whined, threw fits, refused to nap and in general didn't get enough sleep has started eating everything with gusto!!!!  He talks about "when he was little" he didn't like broccoli or bell pepper or carrots but at dinner most nights he fills up on veggies and we have to remind him to eat his meat!!  He also throws far fewer fits, has no problem taking his naps, fights less and is WAY more obedient.  FYI I haven't changed suddenly into a better parent, this is totally a change in him.

Charissa: has pretty much always been on the Gaps diet since she has always refused any grain except rice.  This whole shift is no biggie for her.  She has never tolerated diary either so there is essentially no change in her diet.

Me;  My allergies and asthma have gotten significantly worse over the years and have taken over my life.  I would go out and spend time at a park with friends only to go home and lie on the couch for hours.  I started getting headaches and phantom pains in different parts of my body for no reason, my eyes were so puffy some mornings I could barely open them before I started Gaps in October.  Since then and my asthma - while still uncontrolled, is much better.  I have had enough energy to clean the house on a more regular basis and drink less caffeine.  I had also stopped taking a daily allergy control medicine until we got a dog but after an initial reaction my body is getting used to him and I have once again stopped taking Claritin.

   (wow, we sure eat a lot of tuna fish, the middle row is all nuts, seeds and dry fruit for school lunches)

Over all the health and behavior of the kids has gotten so much better.  Less fights, less problems.  While the diet is super restrictive and I basically have to cook 3 times a day the kids have helped out and how hard is it to cook meat and veggies all the time?  We haven't gotten bored of it yet because we're pretty much eating seasonal veggies and in a greater variety (rainbow chard where have you been all my life!!).  Between Costco selling organic meat now and a local farmer's market selling a weekly farm box for $15 we have maintained our $250 a week food budget AND we are eating totally organic and grass fed where possible.

The benefits are well worth it even though this is what my pantry looked like when I eliminated everything with sugar, corn, and soy.  ( the liquor in the top cabinet may not be on the diet, but it stays.... it stays ...)

The Giver

I was talking to a friend today who was in the midst of a midlife crisis.

"I want to do something big, I want to go somewhere, hug some orphans, dig wells.  Anything!"

I totally feel the same way sometimes.

I want to make people see the world differently, love the beauty of nature, of motherhood, of salvation. I want them to see God as the center of all things good and lovely - with the understanding that all we see is His shadow, all we hear is his echo, that His substance is something we cannot understand and could not bear to look at.  It is too great for us.

I still want to change the world.  It's hard when your soul is on fire to do something great and then you reach out, take a tiny hand and change a child.

I feel like the greatest thing I will ever do is release 5 fragile little souls into the wind and weep as a dandelion must, to see them blown about until they find their place in the world and take root to blossom into sunshine for a season.

The majesty of motherhood is not in gathering up a body of work, a collection of art, nobel prizes or trophies, but in giving our selves piece by piece to our children, in planting a seed, a hope, a life.

And I struggle over this.

There is a piece of me that wants to be me - apart from being a mother, a wife, a friend.  And I want to get to know that other me that wants to write and be good at it, sing until it breaks a soul open to God, speak and challenge thinkers to think their noblest thoughts.

And so I write, and sing and speak in the humble theater of my home.  And I do my work of praising God through 5 little megaphones.

When I Consider How My Light Is Spent

BY JOHN MILTON

When I consider how my light is spent,

   Ere half my days, in this dark world and wide,

   And that one Talent which is death to hide

   Lodged with me useless, though my Soul more bent

To serve therewith my Maker, and present

   My true account, lest he returning chide;

   “Doth God exact day-labour, light denied?”

   I fondly ask. But patience, to prevent

That murmur, soon replies, “God doth not need

   Either man’s work or his own gifts; who best

   Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state

Is Kingly. Thousands at his bidding speed

   And post o’er Land and Ocean without rest:

   They also serve who only stand and wait.”

A season of Hope

  Some people call Christmas a season of hope.

                I think January is.

When I see 3 times the number of joggers in my neighborhood, donation vans overflowing and organizational products flying off the shelves at Walmart I think to myself, "What could be more hopeful than a whole month of believing that this year is the year you will get thin, get organized, get motivated, get ______"  

I think Halmark gave us Valentines day as a consolation prize - to get our minds off of the utter failure

.. unless you are single, you single people get to live it up on St. Patrick's Day and Mardi Gras,

             I guess.



Instead of a New Years resolution, I always evaluate my life on my birthday and this year I'm made some startling discoveries.

1.) In October I started yelling at my kids.  I don't know how I managed to be a mother so long without really yelling at them but I'm losing my voice and I need to find a better way of getting their attention. Parenting fail.

2.) I'm a pretty terrible cook.  This has just dawned on me.  A good cook has a menu, a plan, a stocked pantry, a recipe and a repertoire.  I have tacos and GF dinner waffles.  Since we are embarking on a super strict diet this year to hopefully address some of our food issues I think it's time I try to make something yummy.

3.) I read over 40 books last year but only made it half way through my "read your Bible in a year" reading plan.  (Many of those books were audio books I "read" while running ... but still.)

4.) Choosing to spend time with friends instead of running errands or getting stuff done around the house was the best choice I've made this year.  It's strange but true that I have a finite amount of energy at the beginning of every day.  Fellowship with great friends increases that amount, time alone at home cleaning - decreases it.

5.) I am what I eat.  Going grain and dairy free on the GAPS diet has changed my life.  I no longer take 2 hour naps each day.  I am able to think more clearly with less caffein.  I'm using my inhaler far less and have taken the straw out of my bedside bottle of benadryl.  My quality of life has definitely improved.  (proof of this is that I can now clean my house for a few hours each night even after homeschooling all day.)

6.) I have discovered that I have an amazing best friend.  We just realized that after 13 years of marriage we don't fight.  We argue, we disagree, but we never intentionally hurt each other's feelings - even though we each voted for opposite presidential candidates!  This is something I cherish but completely blame Phillip for.  He won't argue when I'm overly emotional and will only tolerate logic and good research in a debate  (his first principle in an argument is - always respect your opponent, second principle - only attack and illogical argument, never an illogical arguer).  I'm really hoping this rubs off on the kids.

Last year was tough and exhausting.  This year - or at least this January - is going to be awesome.

Resolution re-cap:

1.) Never raise my voice at the kids.  (This one is kind of easy, my yell is so quiet it doesn't get their attention anyway.)  Anyone want to teach me how to do the two finger whistle?

2 and 3.) Plan better, Eat better. Live better.  = GAPS diet from now until 2015

4.) Complete my "read your Bible in a year" plan  (I'm super grateful for my friend Amber's suggestion to consider it a two year plan, it dialed the guilt factor way down.)

5 and 6.) Remind myself that people are important, whether it's spending time with friends or reminding myself to never wound my opponent in an argument.

In case you wonder if I'm lucky

Phillip and I are rapidly approaching our 13th year of marriage and boy do I feel lucky.  I got very nostalgic about it a couple of nights ago when I remembered how my dad cried when I went from his arms into Phillip's.  I suppose I'm only a few years away from having to release my own children to their spouses.  Every time Eliannah dresses up in her bridal costume my heart skips a beat.


I watched a man die a bit today
  when I reached out
  but not for you
I barely saw the hand that you withdrew
  but I knew.


Caught up in my dreams
  and love
I sent out my twice sent dove
and it took to it's branch and nest
  and found a home
  and found it's rest

My heart, not driven from my home
  but given
Found a heartbreak all it's own -
  The joy of love like breaking dawn
  that rises hopefully and moves on
  and drops to rest
  and set
  and pray
to gloriously rise again each day.

How to read Awkward poetry

For a long long time (and sometimes even now) I didn't consider myself a poet.  I thought that giving myself that title would somehow seem prideful or like I was aspiring to a realm I didn't belong in.  My poems are awkward, sometimes trite sounding, often there is some cheesy line in there that ruins the whole thing.  But .. well, I write down about a tenth of the poems that tumble inside my head and since one or two people in the whole universe reads them I thought I should at least explain my writing style.

When I come across an interesting thought I play with it and chew on it.  I might handle it for a few days and then all at once the poem just comes to me and I write the whole thing out in one or two drafts but usually with few alterations.

Most of my poems have a few short stanzas or short lines followed by longer stanzas and a more regular rhythm until I sum things up with a two line stanza.

This is an exact representation of how I think.  There's that moment of inspiration, a word, a phrase, a spark, followed by deeper more organized thought and when I've thought through an idea straight to the end I usually summarized for myself an answer to the question, "So what?" or "where does this idea get me?"  "what is the point?"

It's not elegant, it's not smooth.  But it's me, and if you are reading - I thought you might want to understand.

(note: We just read "Love that Dog" as a family and if you hate poetry you'll identify with the main character.  I highly recommend it.)

The Notebook

Remember not too long ago

when I named your notebooks, lunchbox, coat?

when the sharpie wrote unbleeding

on everything from floor to ceiling?

when I brushed that hair and made that bed

and carefully chose the books we read?

This notebook pushed aside un-needed

in a bookshelf left un-weeded

is a picture of how tall you've grown

how strong you are, your mind's your own.

Childhood sheds it's coat of laughter

it's labeled toys, it's happily-ever-after

But one thing I ask - this is a must!

don't let your God grow grey with dust.

Your boyhood Savior and childhood friend

knows your begining and has no end

He named all the stars and after that, it's true,

He took out his sharpie and labeled you.

So grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord 

your childhood treasure, your manhood reward.

I found a notebook of Zak's from last year and read through some of his journal entries.  I had to stop when I got to the page that said  "Quick write: What is the meaning of Life".  This was his response:

"I think the meaning of life is a really hard question but it says it right in the Bible (I forgot where) but it says that we Christians are to make disciples of other people and to obey God."

personal camp cookstoves

(see full image)

We're gearing up for church camp in a couple of weeks and decided to try and make some camp cookstoves out of recycled materials.  These are good for one person to use and we have no idea how long they will last.

To make:
grab a clean tuna can
fill it with carboard strips the same height as the can
place a used birthday candle in the middle
fill the gaps with melted wax

Presto! a possibly functional little cook stove for the kids to roast marshmellows on!

Epiphany!

I struggle.  And when I say struggle, I mean STRUGGLE with keeping my house in order. I've never been good at it.  I have thrown away so much stuff every move we could have set up housekeeping for 5 Calpoly students by now and today -- at then end of my rope -- today I sat the kids down for a chat.

As it turns out our house needed a two prong approach to deal with the constant messiness. 

Goal 1: keep up on laundry and put it all away as soon as it is folded
    step 1: every child was allowed to keep 7 days worth of clothing in their drawers.  Everything else went into a box to save for when their current batch started looking shabby (I can forsee doing this often so I've put it where they can access a new t-shirt when an old one is too worn to wear again).  Anything that was ragged or stained got donated.  I even got in on the frenzy and removed a huge heaping box of clothes from my dresser that will most likely get donated.

Goal 2: keep the rooms clutter free.
  step 1: remove all toys and non essential items from the bedrooms (the boys were allowed to keep the legos in their room).  There is so little in the rooms right now clean up time should take less than 10 min. instead of the hour or more that it was taking each night.  Imagine 365 hours a year nagging children to put their clothes away and clean up their toys.  Now multiply that by 4 and imagine the stress. 

Goal 3: realize that no child can sort and keep track of large amounts of clothes and toys.  It's impossible especially when those that make the biggest messes are the least able to put it all away.  My expectations of my children's amazing attention spans, work ethic and prioritizing ability was way out of sync with their actual abilities and I don't want to spend what's left of my summer tidying and organizing.

Much of this epiphany came from reading Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne and Lisa Ross.  It's a perspective shifter to be sure.  It certainly has empowered me to help my children live in a less stressful environment and has helped me address and understand when my children need a break or are under too much stress. 

So if you come over for a playdate and you are looking for things to play with, I might send you outside and show you where to hunt for lizards or hand you a ball.  My children needed a break from their toys.

Gaunt

We grasp our cardboard heroes
as we toast with our goblets of sand
and Jesus and God are the Neros
That get in the way of our plan.

And our joys come from drinking our coffee
and breakfast on empty white plates
and our weakening frame craves for
nightmares, like the ones that we drempt we just ate.

The lives that we live have grown thinner
so we fill it with tumescent idols.
enslaved by their sequins
and glittering bridles
We race along panting and chanting their idylls.


If the real Jesus just stood up and joined us
would we notice our hunger at all?
If the Bread of Life offered a hand-out
- if he stretched his own scar punctured hand out,
would there ever be any more doubt?

As it turns out that God who defeated our plans
was always our only hope.
He offered a feast at his table
while we dined upon sawdust and soap
until one day I noticed my skeletal frame
and went chasing the man from the store

He sated my hunger
and made me wonder
what I was fighting him for?

Dear radish and cucumber salad, I love you

2 large English (seedless) cucumbers, sliced on a mandolin *
2 bunches radish sliced on a mandolin
1/3 cup rice vinegar
1 tablespoon toasted sesame oil
1 tablespoon minced fresh dill or 1/2 teaspoon dried dill weed
1 generous pinch of kosher salt
1 generous pinch of sugar (optional)
1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes

Marinate for 15 min. or so.  Serve chilled. Await compliments.

(Greatly adapted from http://www.foodiewithfamily.com/2012/05/03/asian-marinated-cucumber-salad/)

My husband hates green salad.  I'm not sure if there is any nutrition in this but .. hey, it's salad!

*Persian cucumbers have a thinner skin that aren't bitter and don't require pealing.  

Save money! Buy Cheetos!

This is a continuation of a long thought process that has been brewing for a couple of weeks.  Part 1 was all about how to have the right philosophy of spending when it comes to food.  Part 2 was all about how I save money by carefully choosing where I shop and Part 3 is all about how to save money by how you eat. 

We buy a lot of food in bulk in our house.  I simply cannot keep enough ingredients on hand in my pantry if I have 20 cans of black beans for a single family meal so I keep 1lb bags of black beans, soak them overnight and can feed 8 of us (with left overs!).  An organic 16oz package usually costs well under $2.

For dinner we usually have
- a starch/carbohydrate
- a protein
- a healthy fat (FYI healthy fat is good for you BTW)
- fruit / vegetable

We drink nothing but water - usually and at the rate we go through milk we use it ONLY for cereal and/or recipes - never for drinking.

Carbohydrate
By keeping 10lbs of brown rice on hand along with bulk quinoa (which is gross, don't eat it unless you must), GF pasta, cornmeal for corn bread and organic potatoes we try to cycle through several grains and starches for diversity.  By  buying organic grains in their ingredient state instead of a processed/prepared state they are still pretty cheap.  I also buy a variety of GF flours and mix them myself so I can do traditional baking when we have dinner pancakes and other things requiring flour.  (Commercial GF mixes are mega expensive and very sparse on nutrition.)  If I had a grain mill I would use it and save even more.

Protein:
A serving size of protein for an adult is equivalent to the palm of your hand for a female and two hands for a male.  We buy whole chicken, frozen chicken tenders, frozen chicken breast, ground turkey, and ground beef.  If a recipe calls for any other kind of meat I'm kind of lost though I can make a decent pot roast and pork ribs and the occasional brisket or ham.  I wish I was more diverse here.


Fat:
Fat is good for you.  You need it.  Read about it here if you don't believe me or do your own research.  We use oils in cooking, nuts, avocado, flax seed meal to fulfill this need.

Fruit / veggies:
We buy local organic from Rutiz Farms in A.G. and non-local bulk organic veggies from Costco.  For the most part I only buy organic if it means the difference of a couple of bucks per pound.  If it is on the dirty dozen list and I can't afford to buy the organic equivalent I don't buy it very often.

To make things fancy I keep a well stocked spice cabinet and to keep us out of a rut I try to get cookbooks and magazines from the library when I run out of ideas.  I'm too ADHD when I search online - I lose my train of thought or go out and buy all the ingredients but forget where I found the recipe.
But one thing that I just found that promises to help out a lot is Ziplist.  You can menu plan and build a shopping list from hundreds of different online recipe sources and use the smartphone app when you shop to make sure you get everything.

So what does cheetos have to do with anything?  Despite hours of online searching I can find nothing that is a practical shape and size for keeping our bulk dry goods in.  My kids love me for it.

o.k. here's how I save money on food (but read the other post first)

I know.  After that last post you just hate me.  Of course I had to share my philosophy before I shared what our eating climate looks like in real life.

I have 5 children and a teenage niece in my house which means that on most nights I need to plan on feeding 20 people or so.  That combined with other financial constraints means I try to make the most out of every food $ I have.

After we started eating gluten free 2 years ago we slowly gave up almost all processed foods.  This month we gave up on commercial peanut butter spread (check the label on your PB, if it says peanut spread it has too many additives to be considered peanut butter.) The only things left in my pantry are ingredients and pasta sauce in glass jars.  And some healthy GF crackers.  And some healthy cereal.  (and some cheetos) But that's it guys.  (and some pre-made indian sauces) O.k. we're still working on it.

So what do we eat?  Where do we shop? How do we save money?

Here are the ways I try to save money

1.) Don't ever let anything spoil.  Buy food on sale that you can't use before it spoils doesn't save you money.  You can't buy a weeks worth of food at a time if you want to eat fresh meat and veggies. (If you disagree with me PLEASE tell me how you do it!!)

2.) Menu plan.  Do it.  It doesn't work if you don't have all the ingredients you need for those stellar recipes you get off the internet.  Menu plan and shop on the same day or it all falls apart and you eat a lot of rice and beans and cheese for a coupla days until you have a chance to go to the store by yourself because you simply CANNOT shop with all 5 kids and remember to get everything on your list.

3.) Keep a list of staples on you pantry door.  Check them before making your shopping list.

4.) Shop the fronts and backs of the grocery store adds.  Shop the perimeter of the store.

5.) Costco = Buying in bulk from quality sources. 

6.) Amazon.com = Buying in bulk from questionable sources, do your homework and use that free shipping.  If I can't get it from Costco I get it delivered.

7.) Organic farm box for $15, yes please! we buy at Rutiz farm and this Friday we are getting our first taste of completely grass fed ground beef there as well.

8.) Don't feel guilty when you break all the rules.  I have a good-better-best mentality.  We try to eat good, we could do better but we're doing our best.  Veggies are good, organic is better, local organic is best.  Whatever you can manage on a daily/weekly/monthly basis to feed nourish your family is better than giving into the convenience of cracking open a can (in our case many many many cans) of chili.  That stuff looks like dog food to me.

  And just so you know, because I'm feeling super sanctimonious and guilty right now I have to say - I bought and fed my children Mac and Cheese on Monday in a moment of weakness.  Neon orange food from a box. It looked disgusting.

How to spend more money on food

With the economy being as it is I sat down the other day racking my brains to figure out how I could spend more money on food.  We live in a time and a place that has so much available to us at such incredible prices it's a shame we don't spend a bigger portion of our budget on the great food that is clamoring for out attention in the fields around us.

If locavore, organic, gluten-free, free range, tenderly massaged on a daily basis, sung to sleep at night animals and vegetables isn't on your priority list, well, perhaps it ought to be.

Did you know that :

• “Americans enjoy the cheapest food supply in the world, spending the smallest share of their income on groceries of any country.” (Source: Chicago Tribune Reporter)
• “No other nation on the planet spends as much as we do on medical care.” (Source: Robyn O’Brien)
• “People are fed by the Food Industry, which pays no attention to health, and are treated by the Health Industry, which pays no attention to food.” (Source: Wendell Berry)

(For more statistics go here, which is where I lifted my info from because I'm lazy.)

Wonder if there might perhaps be some connection between a rise in obesity, a shrinking life expectancy and a multitude of health problems that are connected to our eating environment?

You are what you eat.  Your body doesn't make cells out of air and water, it makes cells out of food and the quality of that food has an effect on your quality of life both now and down the road.

I overheard a recently recovered heart attack patient explain that the reason he brought home KFC for dinner was because he was trying to eat healthier.  I couldn't help it.  My jaw dropped. REALLY?  Where the 'L are people getting their information from???!!!  I don't think learning bogus food pyramid in preschool really cuts it anymore.  We need to inform our children and our culture about the food we eat and the impact it will have on our lives.

You can tell how much a person values a thing by how much time and money they spend on it.  High priority = lots of time and money.  Low priority = little time and money.

30 min meals and $10 dollar dinner? Drive thru?  What are we saying to ourselves?  Why are we trying to run our bodies on pink slime and paper?


O.k. so we aren't super hard core at my house.  We have snacks.  We let the kids eat the candy they get at parties.  We sometimes go out for ice cream and sometimes for Chipotle.  Sue me for being a hypocrite.  All I'm asking as that we take another look at food and find some other place in the budget to save money.

So the next time your children ask what's for dinner, tell them, "I'm making FOOD for dinner tonight,  FOOD. and it's going to take awhile ...."

The Holy and the Profane

Every time I read through the book of Leviticus I am blessed.  Maybe it is because I approach it with low expectations.  This time through I've been blown away by the continual contrast between the Holy and the profane. 

Holy things are treated with respect, approached carefully and guarded elaborately.  They can be contaminated by the profane but they can also elevate a common object and consecrate it.

Profane things have to declare their uncleanliness and warn everyone to keep their distance lest they too become unclean.   Unclean people have to stay outside the camp to keep from contaminating it.  Unclean things have to be cleaned and quarantined, but if they can't be cleansed, must be destroyed.

Don't you wish life would follow the pattern of Leviticus?  I really wish that the things that have a corrupting influence on my life would declare "unclean, unclean" as a PSA before trying their darndest to harden my heart.

I don't think I understand/practice the concept of Holiness in my daily life.  I don't even know what things in my life I ought to treat as special and set apart. 

I think that in trying to teach my kids to value the things that are important to God I need to do a better job of keeping things separate.  Making some things special - because they are worthy of a greater share of honor.  If God thought it was important to teach His children using visual aids and to reenforce His overall plan of salvation by teaching them that they were a people set apart to be holy, to live a counter-cultural lifestyle, to dress differently, eat differently, behave differently and in doing so thereby be a light to the nations maybe it's time I consider how to do so with my own children as well.

Entirely Naked

The neighborhood that we live in is quite familiar with every anatomical detail of my two year old.  Let's just say potty training has been quite a drawn out process and sometimes in his excitement to play outside with the other children, Isaac skips a few steps.

"Naked and unashamed".

I've been thinking a lot lately about what that phrase means.  Before I got married I was very concerned about standing in front of another person without anything to hide behind, completely unprotected from inspection and criticism.  In many ways I'm still like that.

I hide behind my clothes, don't you?  "Modest is hottest" - or so my niece tells me but I didn't put that bikini away until I had my fourth child.  I have quite a bit more to hide these days.

In contemplating my growing modesty and sense of propriety I've been struck by the thought that while my body needs more clothing these days, my relationships need less -- figuratively speaking of course.

We all wrap ourselves up in layer upon layer of protection, wanting to look our best to one another when we really ought to be vulnerable, to open our lives up for inspection, loving criticism and mutual edification.  How can a friend share a burden if it is covered in self reliance and pride?

Our culture tells us to be self reliant, to never allow another person to judge us, to not accept input from anyone and to make our own path  - the exact opposite of what I read in the Bible.  I John 4:18 says that "There is no fear where love exists.  Rather, perfect love banishes fear, for fear involves punishment, and the person who lives in fear has not been perfected in love."

I know that being vulnerable is dangerous.  That I will get hurt, heck, the passage in I John 4:18 tells us that we need to love as God did when he sent his Son.  God gave his very best: a naked, vulnerable little baby to be abused and rejected by the world and ultimately tortured and put to death.


God's love was risky, He knew it would be painful.  He gave us a taste of heaven and we spit it out.  Every time that we offer or reject intimacy with another person what we are ultimately rejecting is God, his example and his way of doing things.

Whenever I think about Isaac running around outside just as free as anything and happy as could be I wonder if instead of worrying about the pain of love, I could just hang onto the joy of holding nothing back, I too might be able to go skipping merrily down the hill like a two year old with his behind glistening in the sun.

The Golden Eagle

A golden wrinkle on a sea of blue
I saw and eagle and it saw me too
   as it crossed the mirror of a lake
where for and instant we each saw the others' fate.

In his eyes I was accursed and bound
to cast my eye on things beyond my reach.
And climb each tree and mountaintop I could
to grasp at the air and sky on which he stood.

But I --
I now saw him captured in an endless sky
bereft of features, a desert of the open air
a nomad climbing misty sand dunes there
over hilly thunderheads and blazing sun
no songs to sing to anyone.

And so I'll take up gravity with a cup of mirth
     and friendship
that are interred inside
the circle of the earth I ride.

When the mice are away ...

Grandma took the kids on Sunday and I have had a delightful time crafting!! Here are some of the fruits of my labors:

The star is made from square dowels.  Instructions can be found on Lowe' websites but I think I like a 5 pointed star better than the one they made. 

The "Joy to the world" is made from a sheet of foam paper but I'm thinking of re-doing it in wool felt.

I've also had time recently to make a hex nut bracelet.  Thanks for the idea pinterest!  (Incedentally, being my own hand model totally reminds me of "The Hand" from Zoolander.)

What else ... oh yeah.  I've finally had some time to make some earings just for the heck of it.  I'm still playing with ideas. Too bad my camera phone can't capture the lovely warm peuter color of the leather on this earing. What do you think?  What crafts are you making this holiday season?

Second rate Mama

Of all the things I aspire to be, my biggest goal is to be second rate. 

I know that I'm broken, sinful, selfish, lazy ... and I want my kids to know it too.

It won't take them long to figure out that I will hurt, disapoint and fail in my attempt to love them as a parent.

And I have to.

I am a mother.  I am human.  I want my kids to see me as only the faintest picture of the great I AM who tell us:
      "I am the better Father,
            the better lover,
            the better food,
            the better drink,
            the better rest,
in short, -- everything that you need - I AM"

So if you are caught in the trap that says "I've got to be the perfect parent" dial it back a bit.  Show your kids as much as you humanly can, and when it isn't enough - point them to I AM.

Church Campout Lake San Antonio

Catching up ...

I've been saving up for a camera for quite some time now.  Obviously haven't gotten one yet.  Too bad for Charissa, she won't have very many baby pictures.  My mom just happened to leave her camera out when Zak gave her her first strawberry.  She loved it!!

And the diagnosis is ...

Hodkin lymphoma stage 1 or 2.  Caught in the early stages like this my nephew Ryan's prognosis is good as this kind of cancer has a high survivability rate.  He will start chemo tomorrow.  The next few months are going to be hell for him and his family.  Please pray for them when you think about it.

Please Pray

And speaking of praying ...  Please pray for my nephew Ryan.  He was admitted to Loma Linda last night to get a lump biopsied.  All preliminary testing is pointing to lymphoma.  His family has been through a lot lately.  This summer their house caught on fire in the middle of the night and it is only by God's grace that they woke up and made it out.  I don't even know how to pray at this point except for God's healing and that God would bless them with the comfort of His Holy Spirit to surround them with His love and peace.

Consumable vs. all Consuming

Sometimes I think I approach God as a consumer. 

I'm hungry - I eat.
I'm thirsty - I drink.
I need something magical - I pray.

But God isn't a consumable item.  Hebrew 12:29 tells us that He is a consuming fire. And if I am to live the way He wants me to, my petty, worldly, silly wishes will be replaced by a longing for His kingdom and glory.


What were you expecting of me?
     A cripple? A devil?
A fat man in a red hat?
    Don't talk to me like that.

And just what did you want to hear?
And what did you want to see
  because whatever you wanted, -
   it obviously wasn't me.

If you had asked for me
I would have given myself
but you asked for a god-shaped box
   to put on your Sunday shelf.

You asked for a good luck charm.
You asked for a santa clause
You asked expecting easy
   from a God without any claws.

You wanted love but no justice.
You wanted gifts and grace only.
"Come Lord Jesus" you whispered in bed
    but only because you were lonely.

You completely forgot about glory
You completely forgot about sin
your god - an impotent puppet
  why don't you go call upon him.

                             -jm

Heraclitus by William Johnson Cory

                                   Heraclitus

They told me, Heraclitus, they told me you were dead,
They brought me bitter news to hear and bitter tears to shed.
I wept, as I remembered, how often you and I
Had tired the sun with talking and sent him down the sky.

And now that thou art lying, my dear old Carian guest,
A handful of grey ashes, long long ago at rest,
Still are thy pleasant voices, thy nightingales, awake;
For Death, he taketh all away, but them he cannot take.

Occasionaly I find a poem that is so perfect and beautiful and inspiring I just have to share it.  Time to include William Johnson Cory to my list of must read poets.


And speaking of amazing poetry.  I'm in awe of Robert Browning's "Pippa Passes".  It is the most incredible play I've ever read.  I had never heard of it.  Have you?  If you've read it I'll take you out to coffee to discuss it.  Seriously! anybody out there read poetry anymore?